A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Autocorrect completely socks
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”