Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You Might Also Like
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.