Everything reminds me of my ex
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
describing stardew valley
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them