My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.