FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with