If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You Might Also Like
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.