I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
What a kind woman! 馃槀馃槀
The only time I miss masking is after I鈥檝e eaten an Oreo
lost another rap battle bc i couldn鈥檛 rhyme anything with arthritis
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I like to think I鈥檓 a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them鈥檚 the rules.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn鈥檛 seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they鈥檙e in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she鈥檚 had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that鈥檚 annie, she鈥檒l find it wherever she goes
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[months from now]
CDC: aight it鈥檚 safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
bananaphobia: when you don鈥檛 have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I鈥檓 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn鈥檛 feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous