dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
They grow up so quick
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
they really do be looking like this
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus