[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
FRED: right
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My time has come.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
When your parents check you’re ok.