Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?