*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
You Might Also Like
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes