I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
the answer was staring at me all along
flash mobs for serving divorce papers