I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Whoa… oh I see lol
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.