Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.