Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.