Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
You Might Also Like
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*