The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.