It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies