I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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gentlemen, hear me out
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”