The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.