Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You Might Also Like
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.