can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I have questions??
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
do u think theres a butter planet?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.