If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.