bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.