6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Always a housemaid, never a house.