When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT