Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.