“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My boss called in sick of me
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!