“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Saturday
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.