i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
gentlemen, hear me out
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”