I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me, in DM rooms…
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.