Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Ugh but profoundly
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“I wouldn’t.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.