[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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“Alexa?”
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Boxing is born.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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4: So I-
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Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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therapist: this one?
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them