“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Bless you
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…