*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
You Might Also Like
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
hi why am I like this
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
This will never not be funny 😭
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”