“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Can. I. Help. You.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
that colleague who touches your screen
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.