Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Comparing yourself to others
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill