My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”