#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.