Them: You should try keto
Me:
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me when my alarm goes off
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.