Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.