No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs