Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.