I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.