BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet