Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)