My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.