“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.