The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Oh the world we live in…
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
smh
Leaving the Barbers like
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home