I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
lol
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
This why you should mind your business
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.